Being a 5th year MS: a 4/52 review

Everyday I wish I could turn back time or at least extend more hours to the limited 24 we have each day. It is busy. Even taking time to blog this instead of reading up pancreatic cancer is a ‘gross violation’ that induce enough guilt to last me for the day.

Suddenly, we have lost the comfort zone of being just a 3rd or 4th year student. Our seniors have left the school as fresh graduates, leaving us behind as fifth-year students (or ‘final-year’ for those who are darn sure they will pass), the frontline of facing high expectations from lecturers and nurses about our knowledge and skills. It is definitely no fun to disappoint them on a daily basis.

“Mr. Foo, this is your Waterloo…”
So said my surgery tutor after my case presentation. This is a wake-up call indeed, but then I ponder, “Have I been taking things lightly in Klang and for the past few weeks in surgery?”

Of course not, but working hard is not enough. Probably, I should have more focus and determination to guide my blind hard work. In 2 weeks, I will say goodbye to surgical wards and clinics and move on the psychiatry. The horror is that I have yet to learn more then 50% of basic principles and practice of surgery. The end-of-posting exam looks like an impending doom already.

Being incompetent
This year I discover that I have performance anxiety tremors while doing procedures, and severe memory inadequacy as well as short temper. Being blank when questioned and stupid when doing things is adding to unnecessary frustrations. But most probably I should stop complaining all this after a visit to the psychiatry clinic, which I plan to do soon.

Looking at the responsibilities and hectic schedules of the house officers, MOs and lecturers – each with their own set of external expectations of academic and practical abilities – I feel tired. I wonder if I have the stamina to do postgraduate. I wonder if I am detailed, smart and ‘agile’ enough to go higher.

My level of confidence is at its lowest, and probably rightfully so. At least, I am not overestimating myself. But this kind of self-criticism has to go. Yes I must. God, be my helper, I must work harder and be more focussed.

As if to cover my sins of complacency in my early years of med school, I must work harder. So friends, please forgive me if I cannot attend anyone’s wedding dinner, yum-chas, gathering, steamboat party and what-nots.

However, you are welcome to drop by at 6th college to pass me bottles of essence of chicken, bird’s next, mutivitamins tablets, inspiration books, et cetera.

Till then, pray for me and wish me the best.